Stage 3

 

As you can see, the Stage Three is in something of a different league altogether. Designed primarily as backup for conventional troops, functioning in the prime capacity as a tank-killer, a single squad of five of the stage three gargantuans is reckoned as equivalent to approximated twenty special forces units. It may not seem it, but they are also extremely stealthy warriors, moving silently and keeping as hidden as possible until the moment of final attack, despite their huge size.
The Stage Three can run at thirty five miles an hour for a day, solid, it can jump more than fifteen meters in a single leap, despite weighing in at a hefty 425 kg. On stable ground it can lift twice its own body weight and carry it for more than fifty miles without resting, or taking on water.
But the Stage Three is no simple minded beast. It can be trained in computer use with a comparable effectiveness to a human operator, it can use mechanical and electronic weaponry, some of which is already being manufactured to take into account the creatures size and ergonomics.
Also, without compromising its combat effectiveness, the Stage Three has been given the ability to understand highly complex instructions, making it ideal for long term missions and even urban pacification. So next time your thinking 'genetically engineered super warrior', think three, and ring our Government sponsored hotline on 0800 212 333, and order yours today.


You, like me, are probably quaking with fear now. In fact, the BBC is considering a fly-on-the-wall docusoap based on a training colony of Stage Threes in Sussex. Watch the fun as they escape and run amok, killing hundreds of civilians. Again again.