Dr. Lockyer.

Ah, many's the hour I have spent in maths, listening to Dr. Lockyer's voice, babbling like some crazy brook, and thought, if only this moment could last forever. There are two theories about this feeling, the more dozy pupil might think that it is because of Dr. Lockyer's easy-going teaching style, and his curious anecdotes. However, another theory, recently developed, suggests that it may have something to do with the next lesson being with Mr. Cooper.

What is Dr. Lockyer a doctor of? Well, no-one seems to know, but through some convoluted channel, which I can't be arsed to think up, I will now reveal that I have got a photcopy of his Doctorate, and, using OCR software (ask the IT dept) I can now present it to you, here, on the internet.

Few people know Dr. Lockyer's secret life: he spends a great deal of time organizing the school staff, finding them fun things to do. Recent smuggling / theft / investigative journalism has uncovered several interesting facts about him, not least being that he once organized the whole school staff into making a re-make of Braveheart, on the school field, using the physics deparment's camcorder. He cast himself in the lead role, mysteriously transporting William Wallace et al to a slightly more Welsh world. The film was a box office flop, but this did not stop him.

This picture is one of several casting shots that were taken of various staff members in the run up to the Braveheart remake, which Doctor Lockyer organized. Although several people auditioned for the central role, he felt that he himself was the only unstable enough staff member. If you would like to see some more of the shots of the casting process, you can click on the picture of Mel.. sorry Dr. Lockyer, and as if by some kind of magic, it shall appear before your very eyes, here on this very screen.

Dr. Lockyer is clinically insane, as many people can testify, and his curious cry of "English words, use me as the wind uses a wall to whistle through." Can, I hear, still be heard echoing through the corridors of the maths department. This saying, which he makes people repeat if they make any kind of grammatical error, is one aspect of his cult forming philosophy: I know this sounds bizarre, but I really do think that Dr. Lockyer is trying to use his bizarre Welsh powers to start a cult of personality. One of the main powers the Welsh possess is their ability to blather away in such an unusual and other worldly manner as to suggest that they are some manner of alien. This they acheive by speaking what they call 'Welsh' an unusual language which has been proven to have no sentance structure, linear syntax, nouns, verbs, adjectives, or discernable alphabet. You may have heard of the religious phenomenon of speaking in tongues: this is the Welsh language at its most potent.

In fact, Dr. Lockyer is such an evangelist on the subject, he has decided to recruite from a huge fan base, that of South America. If you watch Cable channel 45 in Brazil at the right time, you can see Doctores Matematico. I know this because I have found a web site with him on it. Click >here< to see it.

Thank you for your time, this is all I have to say, any recommendations for next featured staff member will be gratefully received: I have received none so far. Please send me some. Thank you.